Tenacious failure

Ok, let’s have a moment of complete honesty. I am not a patient person. Nothing irritates me more than, let’s say, my cell phone or computer suddenly taking a second or two longer of “thinking” time, which is always way more than I think it should be. INSTANTANEOUS is much better. I berate my computer or phone until they comply. COME ON you STUPID THING…. STOP SPINNING AT ME!!!

Now, I am also intelligent enough to realize that it is an inanimate object, it doesn’t actually hear me or care that I am yelling at it. My $500 phone, or $1500 laptop or the $50 desktop computer at the office (only slightly kidding on that) SHOULD BE ABLE TO move from one web page to another in a seamless fashion and without the apparently necessary insults spewing from my mouth. Yet, it happens nearly every day, especially on my work computer.

I think everyone has had these momentary irritations from our now constant electronic companions. As soon as “it” works the serotonin floods my brain soothing the irritation as the gratification of my need/want now being satisfied (shhhhh….now now… all better isn’t it? Ahhhhhh). I immediately forget the transgression… until the next time.

But what happens when I am faced with a less yielding situation such as my need to leave my job? I currently work nearly an hour from home; during off-peak hours this same drive is about half the time. I lose 10 hours a week to driving a tedious annoying drive. Ten hours that I could be doing something else. Ten hours each week that I cannot get back. Ten hours that I have spent the last two years trying to get back and keep losing the battle every stinkin’ time I try… and my patience level is in the negative since, as I said, I do not have much to begin with anyhow!

Imagine a large hill. You know at the top of this hill is the most spectacular view you have ever seen. You know this because you have heard stories of this hill. You have dreamt of this hill. You just KNOW that if you get to the top of the hill the scene will take your breath away. So… you start climbing. It’s not a big hill so you don’t need hard core hiking or climbing equipment. You start climbing and climbing. Your excitement is bubbling all over the place! “YES here is the hill I have been waiting for!!!”

Half-way through the day you realize you are flat out exhausted, you feel good because of all the climbing you have been doing. Sweaty and thirsty, you take a few quick gulps of water and then pull out your map (or GPS assuming your phone is working today) and you realize you have not moved. Well, no that isn’t entirely true, you have moved… backwards and downwards. You stare at your feet as the likely culprits, “WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL DAY????” They don’t answer so instead you look around wondering what the heck happened. You now notice you are in a hole made of sand. You methodically attempt to get past the sand, but each time you reach what appears to be solid ground… it dissolves into sand. Whaaaaa?

Ok, so this is obviously the wrong place to try to climb your hill. Instead, you reverse direction- this ground is very solid, and you find another location on the hill to ascend to that glorious view up top. Yet each time you attempt this climb there is another issue. Boots break, floods, storms that never end… and oh I don’t know… massive dragons that want to eat you all block your path. It looks hopeless and feels hopeless and worse yet… you feel helpless because you now have no way to get to the top. Your heart breaks and you give up. Or do you?

I know for me, I do give up for a while. I pull back and regroup, double check my desires, motives and tools. This is where I am at right now. I am in the pulling back part. I am frustrated that my previous efforts have failed. I am frustrated that I cannot leave this job NOW. I am frustrated that I don’t have an alternate source of immediate income that would allow me to say “f this job!” I am frustrated that I am here at all.

Yet, in addition to my massive levels of impatience… I am also wildly tenacious. I guess it’s kind of a contradiction but maybe that’s my duplicitious Gemini nature. Simply said, I don’t give up on people or things very quickly. Some think I hang on too long. I have faith that something will either give me a huge clue to leave or let go, or things will work out the best way possible. I have had both happen and for now it is a plan that works. I stay with someone or something until I am 100% certain there is nothing more for me to do or it becomes something so awesome, leaving isn’t even a consideration.

That is where I am right now. I know I will be leaving the job but do not have my “out” yet. I am sticking with it for now. My loved ones have been unbelievably supportive. My desire for an entrepreneurial adventure is not squashed… just feels a bit far away at the moment. In the words of my amazing man, “We will get through this.” My parents cheer me on saying, “We know you can do this!”

I am not alone, I just need to go back to the drawing board and find a way around the sand. Oh and yes… the picture reference to a new hat is a pun. I do love hats though.

Keep listening,